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Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to an emergency call. A woman was on the verge of having a baby at her home.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, the woman's three year old daughter to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
The mother pushed and pushed and very soon, a little baby boy was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and smacked him on his bottom. The baby began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place ... smack his ass again!"
A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.
At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
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Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.