Woman asks:
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come?
Man replies:
It's very simple. Confucious says 'When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it's a bad lock. But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a master key'.
P/s: So are you now confused or it this really Confucius ?
Showing posts with label Adult Joke. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adult Joke. Show all posts
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sunday, August 1, 2010
HAT OR ASS
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tightly so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam, I'm sorry to appear forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday"
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Nudist Colony Rules
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!!!'
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here!!!'
Friday, May 14, 2010
DOG'S NAME
Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis?
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- I think my penis has fleas.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis curled up beside me
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Oh. No! Something bit Mypenis!
- Mypenis doesn't like pussies
*******
- Mypenis ate my homework.
- Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
- Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
- I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
- I think my penis has fleas.
- Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
- Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
- I love giving Mypenis a bath.
- At night, I sleep with Mypenis curled up beside me
- Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
- Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
- Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
- Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
- Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
- I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
- I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
- Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
- I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
- Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
- Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys.
- Help! I can't find Mypenis!
- Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
- Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes.
- Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
- Oh. No! Something bit Mypenis!
- Mypenis doesn't like pussies
*******
Monday, April 19, 2010
Deal Under the Table
A romantic young married couple exploring new ways of romance, intimacy, love, pleasure, joy, touch, smell, positions and styles of Kamasutra, venue, adventure were sitting at a candle light table in a splendid restaurant in the quietest corner of their choice.
They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.
Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.
The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.
However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.
The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."
The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."
They ordered expensive wine and Hors D'oeuvres.
Suddenly the man started slipping on his chair.
The waitress noticed it from a distance with her other responsibilities, but thought man would handle himself and straighten out.
However, the man slowly started sliding under the table further until he disappeared. The wife was quite unconcerned, inattentive to her husband and kept on drinking and eating expansively.
The waitress had to react and help. She came to the woman and said, "Ma'am your husband may have lost his balance, and slipped under the table."
The lady replied with a whoop of pleasure, "Perhaps, but don't worry he is enjoying the Deal Under the Table."
Friday, April 16, 2010
The Second Opinion
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."
"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on."
The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection, either."
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
OPPOSITE OF LAUGHING
A teacher asks a student:
What is the opposite of laughing?
The student says: sex!
The teacher: Shame on you! How can you say that?
The student: Laughing is Ha ha ha,
Sex is Ah ah ah
What is the opposite of laughing?
The student says: sex!
The teacher: Shame on you! How can you say that?
The student: Laughing is Ha ha ha,
Sex is Ah ah ah
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
How do you plead?
A guy is put before the judge's bench because he is on trial for paying a prostitute for sex. "How do you plead?" asks the judge, to the defendant.
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... Gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
"Not Guilty, your honor."
Showing him a videotape of the alleged act, the prosecutor responds, "How can you possibly convince the court of your innocence, if we have both the sex act, plus your subsequent payment to the alleged prostitute right here on tape?"
"Easy," says the defendant, "I'll admit to the court that although I wasn't engaged in an act of prostitution, I was committing another 'heinous' crime ... Gambling."
"Gambling?" responds the prosecutor. "How so?"
"Well you see," answers the defendant, "I went up to the young lady earlier that night as she was working in a topless bar and said to her, 'I'll bet you $200 that you don't get to have sex with me tonight.' That videotape is just footage of me losing the bet!"
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